Chris Conidis PROGRESS CITY.....

 

 

Chris Conidis  Writer, Satirist, Animator, Social Critic, Author, & Performer 

PROGRESS CITY.....

Progress City Social Status: Climb the Ladder in Style™ “Because Nothing Says Success Like a Higher Balcony“

The Platinum Heights: Where the 1% Reigns Supreme (And the View is Expensive)

The highest tier in Progress City’s StatusFlow™ pyramid, The Platinum Heights, is reserved for our “Society Architects,” those visionaries who sit in windowed penthouses above the clouds, deciding your future commute. Access to The Heights is invitation-only, naturally, and if you’re wondering how to get invited… let’s just say it’s easier if you already own a few multinational corporations or have a building named after you. Platinum Heights residents enjoy perks like Exclusive Elevator Access™ to avoid “everyday conversations,” High-Speed Life Counseling (so they’ll never need to talk to therapists like regular folks), and, of course, Private Greenery™—the last remaining natural plants in the city, painstakingly preserved under glass domes.

Want a taste of Platinum Heights? They offer private viewings, but be warned: there’s a small admission fee, equivalent to roughly six months’ salary for the average worker, which covers the cost of the post-visit “mind cleanse” to ensure you don’t remember any of the amenities you can’t afford.

The Gold Coast: Comfortably Superior

Ah, the Gold Coast—an elite suburb within the city, designed for those high-flying corporate executives who almost make it to The Heights but prefer slightly more realistic parking spaces. Gold Coasters occupy the upper-middle of Progress City’s social hierarchy, earning the nickname “The Comfortably Superior.” They’re close enough to Platinum Heights to feel empowered, but just distant enough to feel slighted—and in Progress City, that’s called motivation.

Gold Coast residents enjoy Limited VIP Perks™, like the “Priority Entrance” lane at select grocery stores and gyms, as well as access to an exclusive shuttle that avoids the dreaded Regular Traffic™. Gold Coasters might work tirelessly to climb up the StatusFlow™ system, but they’re also the proud owners of “Work-Life Prestige,” a patent-pending program that allows them to say they’re home by 10 p.m. each night. They often believe they’re just one promotion away from Platinum Heights, which, coincidentally, keeps our employment rate nice and high.

The Silver Flats: Aspiration with Just a Hint of Exasperation

The Silver Flats occupy the city’s “aspirational” mid-level and are reserved for those progressive professionals and creatives who contribute to Progress City’s “vibrant culture.” Residents here are mostly convinced they’re part of an exciting urban experience, though they’re starting to notice that their daily commute is actually an unpaid opportunity for “mindful reflection.” Silver Flatters enjoy Partial Access™ to a variety of places they can’t really afford, including shared rooftop lounges, where they can mingle with other ambitious middle-class residents to complain about healthcare costs.

If you live in the Silver Flats, you’ll have access to “affordable luxury” apartments that feature stylish micro-kitchens, designed for the resident who’s “too busy to cook,” and a closet disguised as a second bedroom. Occasionally, you’ll receive a free, impersonal email from The Heights reminding you of opportunities for growth, which translates to “opportunities to pay higher rent next year.”

The Bronze Borough: Life in the “Lifestyle District”

Next, we have The Bronze Borough, also known as “Lifestyle District 7.” The Bronze Borough is where the real salt of Progress City resides, working tirelessly to keep the system chugging along while maintaining the faint hope that someday, maybe, they’ll make it up to the Silver Flats. These residents are our backbone, frequently called “the Heart of Progress” by marketing teams—but only in emails to shareholders, because we’d hate to encourage any actual self-worth down here.

Bronze Borough dwellers receive Basic Access™ to parks, but only during restricted hours, and only when the Gold Coast isn’t using them for team-building exercises. Their apartment complexes feature “innovative shared-space” concepts, which mean they get 100 square feet to themselves and a shared bathroom to foster “community engagement.” Monthly job performance reviews determine who gets access to optional heating in the winter—a classic incentive program here in Progress City.

The Alloy Alley: Progress’ Supporting Cast

And then we come to The Alloy Alley, the entry-level tier of Progress City, where the gig economy finds its truest expression. Residents of Alloy Alley are affectionately known as “Progress Partners,” reflecting their vital roles in the ecosystem: from delivery drivers and call center operators to social media moderators who ensure no negative comments mar the image of Progress City.

Alloy Alley citizens have Limited-Citizen Status™, which provides them with a Progress City “Inhabitor’s Badge” rather than full residency. Alloy Alley is carefully crafted to ensure maximal exposure to Progress City’s innovation without actually letting them participate in it. But they’re free to visit the city’s attractions once a month on their designated day! Amenities include standing desks, not by design but by necessity, and “Digital Experience Zones,” where they can scroll on their phones to remind themselves of what the rest of the city looks like.

Final Stop: The Iron Periphery

Finally, there’s the Iron Periphery, which isn’t technically in Progress City but plays a critical role in its functioning. The Iron Periphery is where support staff reside—those who keep the city’s infrastructure ticking, but are better off not actually seen or heard. Iron Periphery residents receive the city’s Basic Connectivity, meaning they can log into Progress City’s website, complete work assignments, and schedule their daily commutes if there’s space left on the public transit system. Iron Periphery folks know Progress City well… even if they’ve never seen it.

Iron Periphery is considered the “Entry-Level Dream,” a holding area where dedicated members of the Progress workforce bide their time, hopeful that someday they’ll be upgraded to Bronze Borough. Or, at the very least, enjoy two rest days a month. And who knows? With enough tenacity and an extra certification or two, they may one day make it to the city proper!

Progress City: Where Status is the True Measure of Success™

So, whatever your place on the Progress City ladder, remember: there’s always room to climb… or slide. Each tier is a carefully constructed rung, offering just enough reward to keep you reaching for the next, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Why? Because the journey is the destination in Progress City—at least until you find yourself stuck in a housing lottery at the Silver Flats. And as we like to say, that’s just life in the City of Progress.